Top 10 Concerns When Your Daughter Marries
It’s not the dress, the menu or the venue. The top 10 concerns a mother has when her daughter marries are emotional, not physical.
A daughter’s wedding is a joy-filled event, there’s no question about that. However, it can also bring a host of new worries and concerns. Every mother wants to help her daughter create, or support her daughter in planning the best day she’ll ever have. But far and above the color matching and perfect wedding dress is her daughter’s trust in what comes after the best day ever. She wants to know her child will step into this new chapter of her life with confidence and pure happiness.
We thought we’d research the top 10 things that moms worry about as they wait for the big day along with their daughters. Because you have to admit, it’s a roller coaster of emotions when faced with such big changes. And being prepared for the feelings that will hit can help you survive them with more grace.
Top 10 Concerns When Your Daughter Marries
It’s normal to worry about the future when big changes happen in a family. The status quo is threatened; you’re facing some complete unknowns. (And if you are feeling this, your daughter may be also. Don’t forget to include her feelings in it all, too.)
Here’s a quick list of the concerns moms might feel when their daughters marry:
- How can I be sure my daughter will be happy?
- Will I get along with my new son-in-law?
- How will we spend the holidays?
- Will I be judged?
- How much should I be involved in their lives?
- Will I be replaced?
- What about money?
- When will they have children?
- Why does my son-in-law act strange sometimes?
- What if they prefer his family?
Those are the questions we all have, in a nutshell. Let’s talk about them in more depth.
1. How can I be sure my daughter will be happy?
Every mother’s first concern is the happiness of her child. You want to ensure that your child is joining together with someone who will treat her well and promote their mutual happiness. According to a study by the Pew Research Center, 88% of people believe that love is the most important reason to get married. (Why do the other 12% marry??) As your daughter moves into this new role, the wise words of Jane Austen seem fitting: “It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone.”
2. Will I get along with my new Son-In-Law?
This is a big one. The thought of building a good rapport with your new in-law can be nerve-wracking. You might worry about finding common ground and avoiding conflicts. Here’s some classic advice from “To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee: “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” And you can’t walk in his shoes until you know him better. So prepare yourself by reading and learning from others who have taken this journey before you. Gaining knowledge about being a good mother-in-law will be worth your effort.
Want to build rapport with your future son-in-law? Gift him with this free “welcome to the family” letter.
3. How will we work out the holidays?
You’ve always had your daughter with you for Christmas and Easter and all the other major holidays. From now on you’ll have another family to consider. Questions about who will host and how traditions will be honored often arise. Finding a balance between old traditions and new ones is key. As the saying goes, “Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.”
4. Will I be judged?
Mothers often worry about being judged by their new in-law or by their own children for their parenting style or life choices. We all want acceptance and respect. When our children were young they didn’t question our styles and habits. Yet we raise them to be their own persons. Brené Brown, in a TedX talk, reminds us: “What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.” Fully and proudly embrace who you are, and others will likely do the same. In the context of your daughter’s marriage, a little worry can be good. But don’t over think it. What comes from a heart of love will never be the wrong action.
5. How much can I be involved in their lives?
Striking the right balance between being involved and being over the top is a common concern. The phrase “Too many cooks spoil the broth” is on target here. A survey by Better Homes & Gardens found that 43% of new mothers-in-law worry about stepping outside the lines. Make the effort to discuss it freely with your daughter and her husband to find the right level of being there for all of you.
6. Will I be replaced?
The fear of being replaced or feeling left out of your child’s new life is real. Keep in mind that your role is changing, not going away. Kahlil Gibran writes in “The Prophet”: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.” Embrace this new phase with grace and love. And patience. The days will come when you will be needed in their lives again. Patience will allow you the time to fall into the rhythm that works best for your family.
7. What about money?
Money can be a touchy subject. Concerns about the new couple’s finances might arise. The Bible says, “Money is the root of all evil.” Too many couples fight about money. You may begin to worry about how the couple is spending and whether they are making good choices. Sadly, that is outside the coloring lines for you. You have to depend on the example you have left, and hope they fall back on what they were taught and the values they believe in. Did you and your husband start out with a lot? The ups and downs you had will likely be a part of your daughter’s life, also. So keep them in your prayers, but never pressure them about having more.
If God blesses your daughter and her husband with children, you can gift them with beautiful keepsake stationery
8. When will they have children?
Hold it right there, mom. Whether or not your child and their spouse have children should not be on your mind map of the future. Some mothers-in-law are tempted to pressure the couple because they wish to become grandma. So try not to go there. Think about your younger pre-child self, and what you thought about older women who talked about who was and who wasn’t having babies. God has a plan for your children; trust Him together with your young couple. Although, when the time comes, you want to be prepared…
9. Why does my son-in-law do strange things?
Your new family member came from a unique background, perhaps a different country with different cultures. Rather than judging him for something that you label strange, find out why he does it. If he doesn’t look you in the eye? Perhaps he was taught that is how you respect your elders. Embrace the quirks. You might learn a lot from him and his unique ways. It can be a great chance to connect if you choose to address it as such.
10. What if they’ll prefer his family?
Lastly, the fear of being left out is a common concern. Do you need a habit brush up? Recall the words of Maya Angelou: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” If you quietly, consistently show up for them you will have a place in their lives. The Bible’s advice to do unto others as you’d have them do to you is always a good plan to live by.
Embrace Your Concerns With Grace When Your Daughter Marries
To become a mother-in-law is to begin a journey filled with both challenge and reward. By facing these common worries ahead of time with strength and humor, you can build strong, loving relationships with your child and her spouse. As you step into this new role, remember to be kind to yourself. After all, family is about growing deeply rooted together and holding one another up through all of life’s stages.
So, take a deep breath, embrace the change, and look forward to the joy and growth that this new chapter brings!
