Spectator at Life In A World That Doesn’t Make Sense

Autism. She’s a spectator at life, with complicated emotions and social skills. Navigating a world that doesn’t make sense.

Some people live in a world that socially doesn’t make any sense to them.
They rub shoulders with the world, they work the same jobs.
They eat the same foods and drive the same cars.

But that is where the fitting-in stops.
They are forever spectators, unable to make sense
of the emotions and the social abilities of those around them.
And no matter how hard they try, they never will understand.
They can adapt.  They can learn superficially to fit in.
For small increments of time.

However,
they feel like aliens
in a world so easy for everyone else
but so difficult for them.

“It’s like you are just a spectator in this thing”
Sara Ryan on living aspie in a neurotypical world

Spectator at Life In a World Where:

True Human Value Doesn’t Make Sense

“I’m ugly.”

“No, you’re not. You’re beautiful.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re my mom. No one else think so.”

“Actually, lots of my friends have told me they think you’re beautiful.”

“They’re not telling the truth. They just want to make me feel good, but it’s not true.”

“God made you the way He wanted you to be, so you’re beautiful.”

“God made _______ and _______ pretty, but I’m ugly.”

“You know, when there’s beauty on the inside, it shows on the outside.  Shape of the face or quirk of the lips isn’t what makes beauty. Think good things, and it will show on your face, and everyone will think you’re beautiful.”

We’ve had variations of this conversation so many times that the words come almost automatically.  And wearily.  So wearily sometimes.

But the subject comes up again.  Over and over and over again.

Age Doesn’t Make Sense

This is because God set her emotionally at 12 years old, an age when looks get everything for everybody else, but you feel ugly, and no one can convince you otherwise.

I can wish she was, oh, maybe 9 years old emotionally.  Actually, 7 might be perfect.  At either one of those ages, she was an easy keeper.  Quiet, obedient, even-tempered, kind, loving.

But God gave her 12.

Any girl “knows” that the whole world turns against you at 12.

At 12, there’s peer pressure and fads and questioning authority.

There’s little girl reaction the second before adult reaction that changes to toddler the next second.

Does anyone want to volunteer to be an intelligent 28 year old with the emotions of a 12 year old, and no way to change that?

I dare you to try it.

And then I dare you to judge a girl with Aspergers (Autism on the High Function Level).

Those You Love and Trust Most Fail Too Often

I’ve dared.  I’ve judged her.  And I’ve tried to change her.

But it doesn’t work.

It only works to love her.

To love her and support her and not argue but wait for a better second, the second when she’s an adult and not a 12 year old.

Because those are the times she’s a joy and a blessing.

When she smiles and waves from the driver’s seat as she heads off to work.

Right after 15 minutes of scrambling and muttering and frantic “you have to help me” and “where’s my lunch kit” and “I’m having a bad hair day.”

And every time, I’m thankful I can be there for her.

I’m thankful God gave me the ability to see that it’s not about me.

That He put me here, healthy and able, with just enough strength to get through the episodes.

The meltdowns.

The ability to endure a thirty minute ride from the airport that goes from lovingly holding my hand to tossing it away because someone is watching us to ranting about rejection to silence.  But I know it’s the winding down after a stressful day.  I know it’s not personal.  No one needs to try to change her mind, because in 5 minutes, she’ll change it herself and be 28 again.

And that is why I can enjoy the “precious moments.”

I try not to brace for the hard times, because that makes even the quiet times hard.

When I hold God’s hand and walk into the cool shadows with Him and breath the fresh air of His wisdom,

the in-betweens are blessed and joy filled

and I can sleep at night even if she’s stuck overnight in an airport, alone and cold.

Angels Are A Constant Presence.

God hasn’t failed us yet.

Her angels are always with her.

One of these days we’ll have to name them, so we can thank them by name.

Because I know she has more than one.  When she’s “12” she needs one angel, and when she’s “28” she needs a different one.  And then there’s all the other times that need the special angels, the ones with skin.  (You know who you are. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart!)

And that is how life can be lived with someone who is a spectator at life.

So they can be happy and less anxious because they feel safe and loved.

Kim’s Autism Journey

Join and support us with your prayers on our journey that has no GPS to point the way, because each one on this spectrum has to find their own special way.

To read her story:

Kim’s Story, The Dawn of Our Autism Journey
The Endless Winter of Autism: Finally Finding A Diagnosis
Anticipate A Great Autism Journey: 10 Direction Points for Those Who Seek To Understand
ASD And Romantic Relationships – Kim’s Story