4 Ways to Fail Pie Crust School And The Final Best Tip

I found 4 Ways to Fail Pie Crust School on my journey to the Perfect Pie. The best tip: use a pencil to enter recipes into your Recipe Book.

 

Anyone who knows me will wonder what wisdom I could possibly share about pie crust. I can’t, and that’s why I have quite a bit to say about it.

I’ve spent years trying to acquire pie crust expertise.

Betty Crocker never worked so hard in her test kitchen, trying every tip and trick read or heard about to reach Pie Crust Blue Ribbon Status.

 

 

Here are my 4 Ways to Fail Pie Crust School:

 

1. The Tupperware Little Red Bowl Pie Crust

Well, the Tupperware lady made it look so easy. You just throw all the ingredients into this little red bowl, snap the lid on, and shake. Voila! A ball of dough forms all by itself, and all you have to do is roll it out into a circle, pop it in a pan, fill it, and bake.

Of course I bought that miracle bowl.

And every pie crust during that particular chapter of my quest was, well, to go easy on myself, mealy textured. I could shake till my brains rattled, but the dough, while definitely consistent, was consistently mealy.

Disappointed, I retired my Little Red Bowl to the back of the deep corner cupboard, where it resides to this day.

 

 

2. The Two Knife Tried and True Pie Crust

This tip came from my niece, who learned it at a pastry chef class. Cut the shortening into the flour, wielding a knife in each hand. The Most Important Thing in this method is speed, she said.

After the shortening is cut in, add the liquid, and with two or three flips with the knives, incorporate the dry ingredients. VOILA, flaky crust.

Unfortunately, the only flaky part of this stage in my testing turned out to be the chef. Two or three turns. Right. There wasn’t total liquid incorporation till about twenty-three turns.

 

 

3. The Cuisinart Pie Crust Test Stage

I don’t know who to blame for this stage of the testing game. Probably a magazine, because back then you couldn’t Google “best pie crust” and come up with fifty ways. We depended on Good Housekeeping for the latest kitchen trends and techniques.

I have selective memory about this time. It would probably take hypnosis to bring out all the traumatic details of the clash between Cuisinart, pie crust, and me.

I do feel fortunate that the food processor is still in my life for other recipes. It didn’t suffer the same fate as The Little Red Tupperware Bowl because it’s a great tool. (If you use a link with an * you are using an affiliate link. These links can be helpful to both of us, but doesn’t change any prices from Amazon’s usual.)

 

 

4. The Special Flour Discovery

Back in the dark ages, as a new bride trying to be a good hostess, I thought I could make pie. I presented my guests with picture perfect pieces of pie on my best china.

Domestic Goddess of the Year.

That triumph lasted until pieces of pie crust began to go ballistic, forks collided loudly with china plates, and no one could stifle the chuckles anymore. My friend asked if we had a chain saw to cut the pie!

No, since you ask about that friend, our paths haven’t crossed for years now.

Chain saw.

We just slowly drifted apart.

This fiasco taught me that there are different types of flour for different types of baking. High gluten. Hard wheat. All purpose. Bread flour. What? When did that happen? And which one is for pie?

I have yet to sort it out.

Sometimes bread flour makes cookies in my kitchen, and sometimes pie flour stands in for cake flour.

What can I say?

I don’t have enough canisters.

 

 

What Pie Crust School Fails Have Taught Me

There are no shortcuts to the perfect pie crust.

Trust me on that. But since I’ve been around the block a few times in my journey to pie crust heaven, I’ll share:

The Ultimate Tip to the Perfect Pie

• Get in your car with your driver’s license and credit card.
• Drive to your nearest grocery store.
• Head for the frozen pie section.
• Pick up a Marie Callender’s Razzleberry Pie or two.
• Go home and follow the directions on the box.
• Wowza!  Hot pie with red berries oozing from a perfect pie crust, ice cream melting on the top.
• The journey is over, friends.  We have now arrived at The Perfect Pie Place.

 

 

Just In Case You Want a Different Flavor of Pie

I do have a few lasting tricks I have taken with me from my long odyssey to the Perfect Pie Place. Now, people even ask me to bring pies to our potlucks sometimes.

This is my latest best recipe, which you can copy into your Personalized Book of Favorite Recipes.

But – and this is really, really important –

Write in pencil.  Because, well, you know why.  It’s a long trip to get there.