How To Prepare For Christian Marriage Before the “I Dos”
How should you prepare for Christian marriage before the “I dos?” Thoughts curated from wedding sermons, books and people who went before you.
There are so many ways to prepare for marriage,
and we write post after post about ideas for putting on the best wedding.
However the most important way to prepare,
as a Christian woman,
is to give thought and study to learning about Godly marriage.
You would never go to a job interview without learning all you can about the job you’re applying for.
You’d never make plans for a trip without studying the best ways to get there.
How much more important is preparing yourself for Christian marriage?
I don’t pretend to be a marriage guru
and feel very unworthy to speak on such an important subject
but I’ve been thinking about you brides preparing for marriage –
ordering invitations and gathering addresses,
buying dishes and dresses and delicious shoes.
Making lists and planning menus and choosing favorite wedding hymns.
I pray your engagement is the most enjoyable time in your life.
That you can leave stresses behind, reveling in the knowledge that these practical plans are necessary, but not life-altering if something is forgotten.
The thing you don’t want to forget
the part that will go with you through the rest of your lives together,
that will make or break your marriage
and determine your happiness and joy in your life to come
is thinking and planning and learning what God has to say to your heart.
A few Bible verses anchor 5 important points to help
Prepare for Christian Marriage before you say the “I Dos”
1. Master insecurities.
”
Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD.
Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.
”
Song of Solomon 8:6-7
When you feel drawn to a certain young man, do insecurities lambast you with doubts and fears?
Do you feel as if you’re not good enough for him, or you don’t see how he could ever choose you over all the more popular and beautiful girls?
I heard a minister say it’s good to feel as if you’re “marrying up” (and I think he meant the respect you need to feel for God’s place for this man in your life). But he didn’t mean you should feel less than or that you’re asking too much.
You need to reach a point where you are completely secure in the knowledge that this is God’s choice for you, and He wants you to feel comfortable being in your fiancé’s life.
You need to be able to share your inner thoughts with your man and know he will value them. And protect you.
If you can’t feel that confidence, ask God what you need to learn or reconsider about this alliance.
2. Practice Unselfishness
”
And let us consider how we may spur one another on
toward love and good deeds,
not giving up meeting together,
as some are in the habit of doing,
but encouraging one another—
and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
”
Hebrews 10:24,25
So far in your life you’ve had only yourself to look out for.
Well, if you’re young and living with your parents, you may still be in the habit of considering others.
But if you’ve been on your own, working a job that fills a lot of your time, you have your schedule and plans in place to make your life work best.
Now you’re engaged, and suddenly, this guy is always in your thoughts.
Is he on your priority list, too? Does consideration for his plans and ideas come before decisions about your own plans?
It’s not as if his plans automatically trump yours; it’s a matter of being willing to talk things through and come to the best solution for both of you.
3. Put on humility.
”
However,
each one of you also must love his wife
as he loves himself,
and the wife must respect her husband.
“
Ephesians 3:3
Nothing ruins a relationship faster than if one (or both) always insist on being right.
Or never backs down from a decision. And can’t apologize even if they realize they made a mistake.
I was so fortunate as a young bride to have a patient husband, because I hated being wrong. The thing I laugh about now is that he respected me so much he never made me feel foolish when it became obvious my idea crashed and burned. How he must have wanted to say, “Um, well, if you’d just listened to me.”
Something to remember: Even if you’re right, and he insists you’re wrong, keep silent and give him room to keep his self-respect while he comes around. This isn’t easy. And usually hard-earned. But if you get it early in marriage it will bring so much happiness.
It’s super important that your man feels respected. If he feels you look up to him, he’ll step up to the plate and give marriage his best. Always concentrate your thoughts on his strong points. Even his mistakes can be spoken about in a way that spurs him to act on a strength that is hidden in that mistake.
When there is something that comes up after marriage that obviously needs talking through, don’t stop the discussion half way through because you feel nothing can change. Keep the conversation going until you get all the way through it. Communication like that doesn’t come naturally for most of us. It’s easier to just quit and hope things improve on their own. Ostriches have to pull their heads out of the sand sooner or later, so humble yourself, ask your minister’s wife, or your grandmother, someone you respect, how to communicate with your man. Communication suggests communion. Shouldn’t common-union be the end goal? Yup. I’m still learning this one, and I’m a gramma. But you’ll do better. I know it.
4. Commitment is crucial.
”
Entreat me not to leave you,
Or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God.
Where you die, I will die, And there will I be buried.
The Lord do so to me, and more also,
If anything but death parts you and me.
”
Ruth 1:16,17
Get it settled in your heart and mind now, before marriage. Commitment is crucial.
Can you commit to lesser things now, such as a diet, and carry it through to the goal?
If you can’t, then ask yourself if you’re ready for the commitment of marriage.
Because when you say “Yes” to your man you are honor bound to carry it through to the goal.
“Yes” in marriage vows means:
- You’re committed to marriage with this man for your entire lifetime. You’re young, and will likely live more years with this man than the years you’ve lived so far. Be prepared for that. There is. no. back. door. I didn’t take that seriously enough before marriage. God somehow kept me through my ignorance, but I remember thinking, “Well, if I can’t handle living with him, I’ll just leave.” Naïve, selfish thinking. There is no. back. door. Ever. And don’t believe the lies Satan will sneak into your thoughts to poison you. Test negative feelings with the truth.
- You will put his happiness before your own. I’m assuming you can imagine what that implies, so I won’t spell it out. You won’t always manage this one, unless you’re a saint, but it’s part of commitment.
- He is the only man you will think about in a personal way for the rest of your life. This is putting purity into simple words. If you never allow personal thoughts of another man, impurity will never occur to you. You can’t imagine anything else right now, but read this again after your first major disappointment.
- Commitment is a decision. It’s not dependent on his good treatment of you or if he keeps the bank account full. The DNA of a man may not guarantee financial success. That doesn’t make him less in God’s eyes, and responsibility to your commitment can’t change.
5. Always pray first.
”
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.”
Song of Solomon 8:7
This should probably be the first point.
But each of these is equally important in their way, none coming before the other,
but all together as one package of preparation.
So preparing for a Christian marriage should include prayer.
Ask God all the important questions.
Is this the right man for me?
Your heart will tell you the answer. If it’s God’s choice, you (and your parents or trusted advisors) will feel confident and at peace.
Always include your minister, your parents and other trusted, Godly advisors in your decision making. If you don’t want to be open with your choice, it’s not the right choice. As hard as that may be, accept that others need to help you in this life altering decision. Not make your choice, but help you prove the rightness of your choice.
Is it the right time to get married?
Someone shared that even after being confident and at peace that their choice of a future partner was the right one, God said to wait with marriage.
You might find out the reason for this, but maybe God will never reveal why He said wait.
But when He says it’s time, go for it. And be blessed!
What if I wait, and then I lose him?
You won’t. End of story.
You’ll notice the girls who act interested in “your” man. You’ll twitch when it looks as if he’s noticing other girls. It may seem super important to wear something he’ll notice, or say smart things to impress him.
But you can be confident in more than your choice of the right man. God will keep him for you. God will draw his heart toward you. He’ll pull strings behind the scenes that you will wonder at later.
As you Prepare for Christian Marriage
remember this isn’t a romantic novel you’re living.
You don’t have to worry or fret or doubt or feel suspicious.
When you ask God the questions,
you can sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.
