How to Encourage Empathy in Your Young Children

Have you ever faced a situation
where you wonder how to encourage or teach
empathy, kindness and compassion
in your young children?

My husband’s mom babysat our children one day, when the boys were about 3 and 1. She also kept my sister-in-law’s boys, ages 4 and 1.

When we came to pick them up we could tell Mom was bothered. She didn’t say anything, but I knew “her look” well enough by then to know something had happened. Something not so good.

I wasn’t sure how to ask her, because I had no idea what could have gone wrong. Was it something to do with her family? With a Church lady? Had her cake flopped? I just had no idea.

But I couldn’t have ever imagined what it really was about. It still pricks to think of this thirty years later.

We finally got the story, pulling every word out of her deeply wounded heart like a dentist pulling teeth. She really didn’t want to tell us, but she knew she had to.

Her wounds were for us,

bless her heart, but also because she couldn’t imagine what kind of grandchildren we were raising for her.

The family dog had week old puppies. So Grandma took the boys out to meet the new wiggly fur-balls. And boys being boys, they couldn’t leave them alone. They wanted to hold them and love on them. She let them have their fun, then took the boys inside so the puppies could eat.

Grandma also had lunch ready for the boys, so everyone was occupied for a time. Then Grandma needed to rock the two littlest boys for their naps. She loved rocking babies.

That left the two older boys on their own, and she could hear them playing happily outside the window. Most of the time. There were some quiet times, too. These concerned her, so when the littlest boys were settled down peacefully, she made her way to the back yard to find the big boys.

What she found horrified her. The little baby puppies were in a 5 gallon bucket. Not just any 5 gallon bucket. It was a bucket full of water. And it was too late for the puppies. The big boy said it was the 3 year old who did it.

Grandma’s heart sank to her toes. She couldn’t imagine what kind of boy would do something like that. Drown puppies? Would he grow up to be a criminal? This surely meant there was something seriously wrong with his psyche.

Well, I have to admit, when I heard the story, I wondered the same thing. Our boy was too young to explain his motives. He showed no understanding of what he had done. I was sick. I felt like gagging. How was I to feel about my little boy?

Where had we failed our boy?

Not only was I worried and sick at heart, but I was totally embarrassed (which wasn’t a righteous reaction).

How could we make sure something like this would never happen again? What kind of training should we begin so he could develop compassion and empathy? (We’d never noticed a lack of this before.)

I don’t remember taking any specific actions except to be mindful of my actions and reactions, to develop those virtues more in my own life. After all, there are things that are better caught than taught.

Everything turned out fine. He grew up to be more compassionate and empathetic than many men, and his daughters adore him. A strong man who couldn’t kill a kangaroo rat that came to our campfire the other evening. He just shooed him back up the mountain because “this is his environment, not ours.” And then, when the rat came back, he let him eat the hamburger that fell off his daughter’s plate. And the girls calmly watched and enjoyed the nature lesson.

Can you teach empathy to very young children?

This post on zerotothree.com says you can.

Their main points in a very well written article are:

1. Empathize with your child. For example, “Are you feeling scared of that dog? …
2. Talk about others’ feelings. …
3. Suggest how children can show empathy. …
4. Read stories about feelings. …
5. Be a role model. …
6. Use “I” messages. …
7. Validate your child’s difficult emotions. …
8. Use pretend play.

Storybooks that help teach empathy and kindness

Perhaps the easiest immediate thing you can do is read stories about feelings. The rest will take more time. Here are books* that promote kindness and empathy, recommended by child psychologists: (And to this list add Bible stories about empathy. Like Esther saving her people by doing a hard thing.)