ASD And Romantic Relationships – Kim’s Story
Romantic Relationships when you have ASD are challenging. Each person on the spectrum has a unique level of emotional ability. Here’s Kim’s Story.
Many people with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) can manage romantic relationships and have successful marriages. However, ASD is a spectrum, and every individual has their unique level of emotional ability. While this happens on or off the spectrum, neurotypical or neurodivergent, having autism creates unique challenges in relationships. The following is Kim’s Story in a nutshell, with some general information explaining how ASD complicates communication and creates stigma.
What Effect Does ASD Have on a Romantic Relationship?
A person on the spectrum often has quite settled, even rigid, ideas of how a relationship can be called a success. They have grown up catering to the neurotypical people in their lives, because, face it, the neuro-divergent are the minority. Kim often feels that she walks on eggshells around us, constantly anxious that she won’t meet our expectations. This happens in all her relationships, and as a result, most don’t last. The neurotypical person doesn’t understand her, and doesn’t have the patience to learn the ways of their ASD friend. It’s easier to just move on.
As a result, Kim has all but given up on relationships, and feels very lonely almost all the time.
So when she meets someone who shows an interest in becoming friends, or having a romantic relationship, her extreme loneliness causes her to ignore red flags that could signal the potential of a toxic relationship.
Not to mention her extreme compassion and her lifelong learned ability to put up with behavior from others that she doesn’t understand. She’s always struggling to understand, and feels miserable when others don’t put forth the same effort to understand her. And in all fairness, why don’t we as neurotypical people realize that our ease with relationships doesn’t give us a pass on trying to maintain friendships with neuro-divergent people?
Kim’s New Relationship
Not long ago, Kim’s dad and I went on a week long trip to see family. Kim lives in a loft apartment on our yard, but she still often feels isolated and lonely. She and I spend a good part of every day, except weekends, together. However, those long evenings and weekends alone can wreak havoc with her peace of mind.
So while we were gone, and she was out shopping, a young man working at MacDonalds became friendly and she jumped at the chance to hang out. She wasn’t simply seeking intimacy; she truly just needs casual friendship. But here’s where ASD and neurotypical don’t mesh well. She’s desperate for friendship, and feels she has to go along with the common expectations of all young men out there who don’t live a Godly life with Christian marriage principles. While Kim believes these precepts, she feels she can’t live them when she’s so desperate for relationship.
Thus, she is very susceptible to toxic people, which are harmful to her well-being and destroy her peace of mind.
What should Kim look out for?
3 Red Flags for ASD and Romantic Relationships:
- Lack of Emotional Respect
She knows she’s not good with social signals. She wants friendship, and dives in with caring and consideration for the other’s feelings. However, as most guys, he’s looking out for “numero uno,” which he expects she’s doing, also. She’s not. And she can’t keep up with social interaction, quickly reaching emotional exhaustion. Then she masks to get along until she’s almost beyond any action at all. - Lack of Security
This man doesn’t have a home. He lives from couch to couch with any friend who would take him in. However, he’s promising Kim he’ll get an apartment by Christmas so they can live together. This all happens in a matter of a week or so. Is this really how the world works? You go from zero to intimacy in 5 minutes?
Well, to Kim this seems normal, as it’s always what happen when someone shows interest in her. Even while her therapist explains healthy relationships again and again, a lonely ASD person goes with the flow. Sees no danger. Expects no bad outcomes, because she is a straight shooter, and everything is black and white. If he says he cares, she believes him.
Again, the result for her is emotional distress. - Risk of Substance Abuse Issues
Again referring to our latest scenario, he is a very insecure guy. Grew up in a broken home, kicked out by his mom at 18, not ready to adult. He uses alcohol and other substances to manage his world. He knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t stop.
When he fights with his friend and is in danger of losing couch privileges, he gets drunk and cries on Kim’s shoulder, which of course is far beyond her emotional quotient. Then he opens the car door and throws up. This totally grosses her out, as she’s never seen any behavior like this in her entire life.
Then she’s torn between wanting to help a poor, hurting soul and knowing that something isn’t right, somehow. After all, no one she’s ever known lives like he does. What should she do? The mental torment is incredible.
Kim’s Almost Happy Ending
We don’t really know the ending of this story, as Kim’s emotional involvement still runs deep. And she is so conflicted by loneliness and lack of friendships.
But as of now, she’s broken off with this man, blocked and removed his phone number, and thrown away the burner phone he bought her for secret calls, because her “parents are strict.” She’s speaking openly with me again, although she still doesn’t want to talk to her dad or brothers.
She understands (or is trying to) that such a relationship can only lead to bad places. I am stepping up on encouraging positive activities and walking with her when she agrees to go. I have to admit that when things are humming along smoothly, as they have for most of the year, I begin to fall into thinking that she doesn’t need as much of me as she actually does.
So we’re aiming for an easier plain once again, with our final goal still being a residential facility where she’ll get the exact amount of care she needs at this stage of her life.
Read the beginning of the story of Our Journey With Autism.
Although Kim wasn’t officially diagnosed until last fall, we always knew she had extra challenges. We began to suspect autism when she was a teenager because of her difficulties with social situations.
