Angry Women: Refuse Offense or Feeling Offended

Angry women: refuse offense or feeling offended.
It’s better to eat a dry morsel
than feast sumptuously with strife.
What God says about clamor versus quietness.

 

At dinner with friends one day we discussed having “good arguments.”

I used to love arguing.

Not angry, throwing insults, hurtful arguing, like we did as children,

but rather a passionate give and take of opinions.

If I say what I think, I want to know what you think, whether you agree with me or not.

But my friend and I found out when we married our spouses, we couldn’t argue anymore.

Our spouses do not argue. Period.

 

And that is becoming an adult. And a Christian.

Not that we should quit having opinions and convictions,

but that we put them out there,

then leave it to others to agree or disagree,

quietly,

without clamor or anger,

lest we cause offense.

Because we know there are many diverse opinions among people today and too much offense is taken when we hear or read something we don’t agree with.

 

Why do people offend others?

When people associate only with those who agree with them, they adopt “group-think” and “confirmation bias.”  They lose the ability to see things clearly or correctly. Experts say “we don’t see things the way they are, we see things the way we are.”

So the reason people offend others is because

1. They can’t see others’ point of view.
2. Hurting people want to hurt others.
3. People say hurting things to get attention. (Yes, adults, too.)

 

My friend and I do not see arguing as saying hurtful things.

But our spouses grew up in an environment where vocalized disagreement meant disrespect.

In marriage, friendship or church family, no one wants to purposely hurt anyone, so we adapt and settle. Both sides must agree what is the right way for that time.

If I have a conviction on something, and it appears opposite to others, what is supposed to happen?

 

Angry Women: Refuse Offense or Feeling Offended

Does that sound like something Paul would have said to Euodia and Syntyche? Maybe he did, because the two church women of Philippi were disagreeing (okay, angry), and Paul stepped in as peacemaker.

However, I like this story in Matthew, about the Canaanite woman who hounded Jesus to help her daughter. (We’ll do anything for our children, right?) She refused to feel offended.

 

“
Then Jesus went out from there
and departed to the region of Tyre and Sidon.
Behold, a woman of Canaan came from that region
and cried out to him, saying,
‘Have mercy on me, O Lord, son of David!
My daughter is severely demon-possessed.’
But he answered her not a word.
And his disciples came and urged him, saying,
‘Send her away, for she cries out after us.’

But he answered and said, ‘I was not sent
except to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.’
Then she came and worshiped Him, saying, ‘Lord, help me!’
But he answered and said,
‘It is not good to take the children’s bread
and throw it to the little dogs.’
And she said, ‘Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs eat the crumbs
which fall from their masters’ table.’
Then Jesus answered and said to her, ‘O woman, great is your faith!
Let it be to you as you desire.’
And her daughter was healed from that very hour.
”
Matthew 15:21-28

 

The historical context of this event:

The Jews and Canaanites were enemies in that day. They hated each other, no doubt because of “group-think” handed down through generations. Normally, a Canaanite wouldn’t associate with a Jew, and vice versa. They would have called each other dogs. So with this animosity between peoples, it was easy for the Jewish disciples to dismiss this aggravating Canaanite woman. And she had just cause to get offended and give up. She would have heard the disciples rude words. And then, Jesus ignored her. Jesus! How would that feel? To be told that no one should waste the children’s bread on the little dogs.

Whew!

I think I would have thrown a fit or shut down with offense. Angry, offended woman, here I come! Everyone watch out.

But no, the woman refused to grow offended.

Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.”

She took cues from how Jesus spoke. He used the word for “pet dog” instead of mongrel. She didn’t ask for the children’s bread, she was happy with the crumbs that fell from the master’s table.

And Jesus delighted in her spirit.

And answered her request.

 

The 3 Sides of Offense

When you’re in an angry women situation, refuse offense or feeling offended. Consider the 3 sides:

1. Are you the offender, causing offense?
2. Did someone offend you, causing you to feel offended?
3. Do you see that situation in others and you could be a peacemaker?

If you are the offender, your responsibility as a Christian is to seek forgiveness and restore the damaged relationship. You’ll be more successful sometimes than others. You will know when God has forgiven you, and when you have honestly attempted to correct the situation by asking forgiveness and admit you were wrong. Then you can be free, even if the other person finds it hard to put it behind.

When feelings are hurt, whether rightfully or through imaginations, you don’t have to be miserable. You can choose not to be an angry offended woman. You can choose to absorb the hurt, and strive for a renewed relationship. Forgive when asked to forgive. And when not asked to forgive? Forgive anyway. Sorry. That’s the only way to peace.

Perhaps you see a relationship floundering. Is God asking you to do more than pray? Does he want you to step in as a peacemaker?

It can be extremely difficult to decide in a situation who is the offender and who is the offended. Because by the time things escalate, many feelings and arguments have been made inside the heads of both people (sides).

So being a peacemaker means you need a close relationship with God first, before you can find the middle ground in the relationship between offended people. First the peace is vertical before it can be horizontal.

 

Christian Life is about relationships.

Almost every chapter of the Bible has relationship words. Brothers, sisters, father, mother, my disciples, beloved, fellow servants.

We are meant to have relationships, and it’s a true test of our faith and consecration how those relationships will fare.

 

Better to eat a dry morsel
than fare sumptuously in a house of strife.
Relationships are a responsibility.
Promote peace and kindness.